The University of Life & Amadragona

This conversation felt different.

Amanda (Amadragona) has worked with me as a relationship coach, and if I’m honest, she challenges me in ways not many people do.

She doesn’t let things slide.

She doesn’t accept surface-level answers.

And in this episode, you’ll probably hear something obvious from me…

Nervousness.

We go into attachment, power dynamics, emotional honesty, blind spots, and the uncomfortable edges of intimacy. The places where we think we’re self-aware, but maybe we’re still protecting something.

It’s confronting.

It’s raw.

It’s honest.

And at times, it pushed me.

Enjoy.

Transcript

From Ashtanga And IFBB To Inner Work

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Crystal, welcome to the University of Life.

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 0:04

This um it's been a long time in the making, right?

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Mm-hmm. Very well.

SPEAKER_02 0:08

Yeah, we haven't seen each other properly in about six years. So as a bit of an introduction, about six years ago I bumped into Crystal. And at that time I was like, I'm really interested in yoga. And you were a hardcore Ashtangi yogi, correct? Yeah. And um I asked her to train me one-to-one, which we did like three times, three times a week for about six months. And it was so much more than yoga, right? I as I recall, you first off taught me to really sit with myself, to tune into how I am and what my body needs. And and then we worked through movement, um, we worked through meditation, we worked through energy work, and we worked through intuitive supplementing, um, we worked through essential oils. Um, and that was quite an initiation.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

And just I'm just remembering you forgot the personal stretching where I used to torture you.

SPEAKER_02 1:13

Oh my god, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I was going off a really like 12, 13 years of hunched over a desk and deeply, deeply stressing um over work. And what I've come to learn is like if you don't have a proper outlet and if you don't look after that in the moment, all that stress builds up in your body. And it's actually funny, as I'm looking at you right now, I'm almost kind of remembering, God, the pain of all of that. But the medicine on the other side, right?

SPEAKER_00 1:44

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:45

How uh what have you been up to since?

SPEAKER_00 1:49

That's a big question. Um, yeah, I guess that time I was actually an IFBB pro. Yeah. And I had come off the back of like 10 years of just the Stanga really intense practices, and then I went, like in in in yoga, you have the squashing of the ego, like, I don't have an ego. And then I went full-blown ego into like I'm a professional bodybuilder. And that's when I met you when I was coming out of that realm and kind of getting back into wellness. So it was a funny, like, yeah, I like to see these waves of like consciousness of how things are moving. And from that time, I really like let go of the fitness world for probably like the last, I don't know, like six or seven years, like just diving deep into more spirituality, more consciousness, exploring my own consciousness, exploring what's going on in this reality and moving countries, traveling all over the world, setting up my own kind of coaching, spiritual coaching business.

Extremes, Burnout, And Choosing Stillness

SPEAKER_02 2:47

It's it's been quite fascinating for me because I we were so tightly connected for say those six months. And yeah, you were quite mysterious. You were like this deep, deep yogi, but at the same time, you were a bodybuilder. Yeah. Jacked as hell. And I remember thinking almost that's quite a contradiction. I was so used to seeing like a uh a fairy like Namaste yoga teacher, and you were just you were strong, and your practice was so, so tough. Yeah. Um, but since then, yeah, I've been following on, and it's almost every time I see you in a story, you're in a different country, uh, deep diving into a different area of if it's if it's wellness or if it's deep spirituality, or even it's like almost edgy. I don't even know if I call it spirituality. I'm kind of like conspiracy. It's it seems like you've been living a fascinating life.

SPEAKER_00 3:40

Yeah, I I dive, I dove deeply into plant medicine as well and tantra and like modalities of like really like how can I discover more about what's going on here? What is this body about? Why am I here? Like all of those different things. And I'm very extreme.

SPEAKER_02 3:55

I I was just thinking that from bodybuilding to a Shtango, which would probably be the most extreme of a yoga practice, and then into plant medicines, and then into tantra working.

SPEAKER_00 4:04

You know, I did them extreme, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:05

Which is we're very alike, like that. I I find I don't I don't uh I don't learn in balance and I don't learn in in vanilla-like states. I I unfortunately have to throw myself in the deep end, and that's where I learned fastest.

SPEAKER_00 4:20

Yeah, and for me it was like going into moving, like I used to train six hours a day. Like in Ashtanga, it was like a three-hour practice. It was so intense, I was wiped, I couldn't do anything else. And going from that level of training to nothing. Like I crashed and burned in terms of physical, and it was like, okay, I've done that fully, like world champion, like pro, tick the boxes, and then I was like, okay, what next? And the next thing would be to actually become still. Like it's to stop moving, to let go, to let go of the identity of the body. Like, how can I get into the deeper layers? And it wasn't so much like a like it was say a conscious decision, it just happened because I'd exhausted the other extremes. So like, okay, what will happen if I stop training? So, like for like two years, Jamie, I barely moved. Like, I'm not joking. I was like still for like eight hours a day at least.

SPEAKER_02 5:09

Which which, sorry, as you're saying this and me just coming off the back of a pasana, I'm not thinking it's like any any easier than, for example, it's like training for the for the bodybuilding championships. Like sitting still once you get over the first three or four minutes is excruciating.

SPEAKER_00 5:24

Yeah, yeah, it's hard. Like the first time I did it was when I was living in India, when I started getting into yoga, and I was forced to meditate for like four hours in the evening every day, and I was just squirming around and like so uncomfortable physically. Like it was hard to even just physically sit. But I think somehow over time that just unwound itself. And I think this is what most people struggle with when they start to sit with themselves, they just get very that you feel everything that you haven't been processing, right? Your mind is busy, your body is uncomfortable, there's a lot of energy, like it could be anxiety, there's tons of things going on that like this snow globe that's been stirred up for ages suddenly is still, and then you have this storm, like this snowstorm.

SPEAKER_02 6:05

I when people say that saying of oh, just just sit with yourself, and it's so flippantly said, like, oh, learn to sit with yourself. I would say it is the most challenging thing. It is quite easy to go to the gym and you know, distract yourself, lifting weights or or even a yoga practice, the movement, but that yeah, that's sitting still, and I like the snow globe, but not insight. But it's like, yeah, when you sit away from distraction, so away from music, away from visuals, like with your eyes closed, and you're just tuning into yourself, and everything starts to settle, and you can't distract yourself. Yeah, it's very, very, very confronting.

SPEAKER_00 6:42

Right. And a lot of people would wonder, like, well, what's the benefit? Like, why should I do that? I really start to zoom out and see like everyone's story of their life. It's like you're born, you're growing up into this reality, figuring out like what I'm supposed to do here, what's going on here. Like, all of this stuff is just naturally, subconsciously happening. And everyone has this like go action energy, and you just start to do things unconsciously, consciously, whatever, like whatever you're doing. And I see this like moment where you get to stop or you have a decision that you can change and like reassess. And it's like we're we're being born into this reality and kind of waiting for the moment where we're going to get still so that we can allow everything to settle and start to tune in internally and ask the real questions of why am I here? What's going on?

Why Sitting With Yourself Hurts And Heals

SPEAKER_02 7:29

I I have to jump in there because what's coming up for me is that we either live one of two ways, uh, reactively or proactively. So, reactively is essentially there's like, let's say, this inner turmoil, and we're distracting ourselves from it. And so we're constantly actually living from a state of distraction. Proactive, well, the that really starts with sitting with yourself, sitting through all those things that you've been distracting yourself from, the discomfort, the the inner anxiety. And once you get to the other side, you get to live from that proactive state away from the distraction and much more in tune with your your truth, your desires, your authenticity.

SPEAKER_00 8:12

Yeah. And we're here discovering who we are at on a soul level. You know, what I discovered when I got still was like all the conditioning and programming that was actually playing, that was running me versus me being in command on a soul level of why I'm here and what I'm doing. Like you said, becoming proactive and actually tuning into the wave of the synchronistic flow of the magic of life, right? It's a lot better on that wave. And having gone through all the crazy conditions that like led me to do everything so extreme. Like there's a lot of like self-hate involved, I would say, in like it's not conscious self-hate, but it's more like feel not enoughness. You know, I'm not enough, so I'm gonna have to become a pro-bodybuilder.

SPEAKER_02 8:52

I love that right where you say it is something like self-hate. And somebody could hear that and be like, oh, you know, that's very extreme. But actually, when you break it down into well, what does that look like? Oh, well, self-hate is uh I'm not good enough. I feel like I need to exaggerate. I feel like I need to tell a completely different story to what something is because my story is not good enough. Well, what is that really? That's self-hate in practice.

SPEAKER_00 9:14

Yeah, it's like self-abuse, actually. And abuse is a strong word, but when you look at it, like if I feel into how I was behaving as a bodybuilder, it was absolutely abusive. Like, but I enjoyed it, which is kind of like the the weird thing. It's like when you're in it and I'm full ego identity of like loving this show, right? I create this big identity and this big mask of who I'm not actually. And kind of knowing it because I'd been through the yoga, I was awake on some level spiritually, but hadn't understood what ego was, like hadn't understood what the false self is. I don't really like the word ego because it kind of creates a separate sense of something else. It's more like the masks that we layer over the true self because we're bred into a society that makes us feel not good enough. You know, that you should be better, you need to be successful, you need to strive for X, Y, Z. And then the imprinting around like how your body should look, you know, what it means to be a strong woman, like whatever.

SPEAKER_02 10:06

Like I I I I've spoken into this previously uh in in different chats about like for me, uh so much of the reason I got into business from a young age was I wanted to show myself off through my business. I didn't think I was enough in myself. But if I only built this business and that business and the next, they would do the talking for me. Yeah, and then no sooner did I kind of go through that journey, I did the exact same thing in relationship. Yeah, it's like I wanted to, I, I, I, I, I, I want to have this amazing, beautiful relationship, and look look at me. And I it's it's fascinating. You talked a lot about like say societal conditioning, how a lot of that is encouraged. Make yourself through your business, give yourself to your relationship. Yeah, so little actually encourages this idea of sit with yourself, sit with your shit, get through it, live true to yourself, be authentic. You as you are is perfect, however you are. Like, that's just not said. That's such a hard uh state to get to.

SPEAKER_00 11:09

Like, imagine if you were born, and I play with this a lot. If your program that you were given was you're already perfect, go enjoy yourself. Like, that is the condition that we need to be born into. That is a world that I'm praying to, that we have so little infiltration of like what the mind matrix of like control and yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:29

As you say that, right? This idea of a world where you're born into the idea of be you're perfect, go do whatever it is that you want to do. Uh as you shared that, it's like a little montage played out of all these moments where I was being my innocent bold self, and it was shut down. It was seen as too much, too rude. Oh my god, the amount of times I really got sent home from school, my poor parents. But yeah, you're too much, you're dangerous, you're this, you're that, you're next to this. Uncontrollable. It's like, well, actually, I'm just finding it a little bit troublesome sitting at a desk learning absolute mind-numbing, boring as hell subjects for 12 hours a day while it's sunny and fun outside. Right. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01 12:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:12

I I it's a fascinating world when the let's say the free-thinking, rebellious types, the problem solvers, are essentially tortured and saying, hey, sit in this environment and sit what I was about to say, sit still, sit still. Maybe there actually is something good there.

SPEAKER_00 12:29

But it's it's more like having information shoved down your throat that you're not interested in. It's like indoctrination on many different levels.

SPEAKER_02 12:36

That's it.

SPEAKER_00 12:37

Yeah.

Reactive Vs Proactive Living

SPEAKER_02 12:37

And so that's free will. Really important kind of transition because yeah, I was like, wait a second, we're sitting still. But on the other side, there's high, high reward for those that do sit still, for those that do wait their turn, for those that put up their hand and ask permission to speak.

SPEAKER_04 12:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:55

It's such can it's such awful conditioning. I like I know I know it's the norm, and it was I ten years ago, I wouldn't have thought much about it. But now the idea of it, I think as I'm coming to the idea of like, I can't wait to have kids.

SPEAKER_00 13:06

And I'm thinking what will you do with them? Where will you put them?

SPEAKER_02 13:09

Fuck, I won't let them near that environment. I actually in that skin crawls, I actually almost feel vomit, and then I feel really aggressive. Like, yeah, I it is so wrong what the average norm uh normal school is doing.

SPEAKER_00 13:26

I think a lot of it comes from ignorance and lack. Like as a society, we have like huge lack and huge ignorance and huge like ignorance, like when I say ignorance, like ignoring self, you know, trying to get somewhere to get safe. Like, why why do we have greed? Because people feel like there's never enough, you know. So it's like if unity consciousness, something I'm really tapped into, is like when you see the blueprint of what unity consciousness is, if we were to live as a unified species, that it would make no sense to be greedy. Because you can see through everything in unity consciousness. If one person's hoarding loads of energy and we're all part of each other, like this doesn't make any sense, right? You'd just be like, what's going on over there? You know, it's and that's where we're going in terms of consciousness. I don't know how long it's gonna take us to get there as a collective, but it's it's moving quickly the last few years. Like there's a lot more people being becoming aware.

SPEAKER_02 14:16

I I keep hearing you say this word blueprint. And like and so for me, I kind of have this like an architect with his like blue paper and his white lines, and it's like essentially it's like the the the foundations, foundationary structure of something. But what what is it? What yeah, what are you alluding to when you say blueprint?

SPEAKER_00 14:36

In my journey, like I discovered why my soul came here is like I'm helping people to uncover their own blueprints. So especially when I was working with plant medicine, I really started to expand my consciousness and had big initiations around like that time when I was in ego and then letting go of that identity, like smashing it into the ground, kind of understanding that that's the false self, that's the conditioned self, this ego that we say.

SPEAKER_02 15:01

So an apologies, because I'm I'm gonna pause a few times because I just I want to make sure I get get it. So, okay, what I'm getting this picture of is that like you lived a certain way, and a lot of that was almost like societally imprinted on like, oh, it's cool to to go for this championship or put yourself through this torturous yoga practice or or whatnot and compete and show yourself off. And and that works to a point until it doesn't. And at that point, you really, you know, whether you like it or not, you actually have to sit with yourself, you have to look deeply in the mirror and be like, hey, I can't I I kind of think I've been doing everything I I was meant to do, and it's not really working out. And so when you say like I sat with myself in journeys and you alluded to plant medicine, really what you're saying is like I sat down, I even supplemented that capacity to dive deep into the fabric of who I am and figure out essentially what it is that I'm truly here for. Not what I've been told that I'm here for, not what society would impress upon me that I should be doing or aspiring to, but at a root core, what lights me up.

SPEAKER_00 16:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:01

Okay.

Conditioning, Ego Masks, And Self-Worth

SPEAKER_00 16:01

And it's very irrelevant that you say, like you do something until you figure out that's not it, or whatever way you framed it. It's like when I stopped bodybuilding, I uh all the energy dropped out of it before I quit. It was like I couldn't go to the gym anymore. And never in my life did I not have motivation to train. And this is something interesting about motivation. It's like actually you're just following an unconscious desire until it's a conscious desire, right? So I was unconsciously desiring that fame because I didn't feel good enough. But then when I started to wake up deeper to a truth of like seeing the program, it's like the energy to train fell away. So then I was like, there's I'm there's nothing wrong with my motivation. The desire left. I was like, that's not attractive to me anymore because I started to see the lack. And then I was like, okay, well, then what's next? And then I followed my thread of desire towards tantra, shamanic healing, medicine, like all of these other things that felt more in the energy realm that I didn't know yet, something I hadn't explored. So you're always on the right track. You're just getting deeper into the fabric of who you are. So that self in terms of the ego, I smashed it. I'm so glad I smashed it in that industry and I didn't have to develop a big spiritual ego and then smash that there. It just feels easier to be like, oh yeah, the bodybuilding was like the biggest version of that I could do. And then knowing that there was something deeper, like some like a reason why I'm here. I had questions very young. Like when I remember when I was like eight years old, walking through the countryside, looking around, going, like, what is going on here? Why am I here? What's this place? Like, I had this specific, like, whoa, like this self-awareness. And I feel we have these memories from younger, like to show us little hints of what our tapestry is, what our blueprint is. We have a perfect design. When you start to zoom out and you you dive into these layers, you start to see how brilliant your design is, like how perfectly designed your challenges are. Like you create everything to actually activate who you're here to be. And what the blueprint actually is, is the true soul identity. So we have the false self that we're trying to untangle ourselves from.

SPEAKER_04 18:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:05

That we created to keep ourselves safe, to protect ourselves from judgment, basically, or from lack and from survival. It's a survival mechanism. And then we have the true identity of the soul, the blueprint, which is like the the best, most juicy, most fulfilling way that you could live. Yeah. Right.

SPEAKER_02 18:23

Most true to yourself, most authentic, your essence.

SPEAKER_00 18:25

Yeah, it's where you remember your divinity.

SPEAKER_02 18:28

God, I um you you shared that little bit of like I was walking in the country. Did you ever read a book called Town Mouse and Country Mouse?

SPEAKER_04 18:37

No.

SPEAKER_02 18:38

God, I sometimes get asked, like, Jamie, what's your favorite book? And I always go back to like play school books, but Town Mess and Country Mouse is about a town mouse and a country mouse who spend a weekend in town together, and the town mouse loves everything, but the country mouse is like, Oh, I don't like this, and then they swap, right? And I I I grew up in town, but I remember I had uh cousins living in the country and the wards, like a really, really beautiful family. They lived on a nursery, like a uh a garden centre, and uh and I would stay with them in the summer, as sorry, i it just for a few weeks in the summer. And the book it almost imprints the um the contrast and the time with them. I remember I as a kid, and this is a weird one, like when you tune into yourself and you're like, when did I sleep best? It's like, oh, when you were in the country. What was nicest? Oh, having tea in the evenings, watching a movie all together, and then going to sleep, reading a book and having the cat sleep at the end of the bed. And it's it's it's a funny one just as you've been sharing, like, get back to your essence. What I find is that when I sit with myself, and I can get the distractions of like when I sit with myself at first, it's like the work stuff comes up, then dating stuff comes up, then home stuff, all that crap. Yeah, but then when I'm really like, when was I most happy? Yeah, it's so odd that the like the the stories like. That come up and it's it's interesting how quickly your body can talk to you.

SPEAKER_04 20:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:06

How your soul, I would say, oftentimes is screaming at you to come home to see that blueprint over and above what it is that perhaps you've been has been impressed upon you.

SPEAKER_00 20:18

Right. And it's a real magical journey to discover it. And you know, something you're saying, just not to skip over it, like that time in the countryside, like when you feel most best, is because we're closer to nature. Like actually, we harmonize better. We're we're more um healthy when we're like close to nature. And then we live in these gridded cities that have a lot of dirty electricity. Like this doesn't help you sit with yourself because it's almost like this kind of energy, versus like the like we're in nature. It's like it's harmonizing, it feels good. Your body starts to feel good. And most people, well, there's a lot of people living in cities, when you do, they'll have a level up of like feeling that, especially if they're sensitive. And they might think, Oh, I just have anxiety, but they're actually just not solid enough here to be able to recognize that it's an external influence that's taking over, right?

SPEAKER_02 21:07

A friend uh shared a really good line with me. He said, Jamie, you know, nature feeds you as a human. Um, so being in nature, it it feeds you. Whereas um unfortunately, uh cities live off humans. Um, you feed the cities. I found that like it's quite sometimes it's a piercing line, right?

SPEAKER_00 21:30

But it's true.

SPEAKER_02 21:30

It's really true.

SPEAKER_00 21:31

Energetically, yeah.

Blueprints, Desire Shifts, And True Identity

SPEAKER_02 21:32

What you talked about dirty energy. I actually only realized this about two, three years ago. I was in this place and they had a complete, it was kind of in the jungles, but there was Wi-Fi and there was electricity all over the place and everything like that. And then the power went. She meant the Wi-Fi went. And the strangest thing happened to my body. It's almost like, let's say I gave up power of my body, I just kind of relaxed, and it was like this magnetic effect came over my body where immediately my legs crossed, I sat down, my back went straight, I sat into a meditation. And you spake, I spoke of plant medicine. I love plant medicine. It was like I was suddenly coming up, yeah, and it fascinated me, and it struck a chord of like, wow, what is the effect of let's say all these electrical wires around us, all these radio waves, all this Wi-Fi? And I think it numbs out an enormity of let's say our capacity to focus, to sit with ourselves, tune into our intuitive energy. Um, because in that example, that extreme contrast where you know you're in an environment and then suddenly power's gone, you're in a gateway or a portal. That that blew my mind. And so now I yeah, I I actively seek out nature, but not like the unfortunate thing about nature at home in Ireland for me, certainly, is that it's not nature. It's like you go to a place and and and there's beaten paths and there's there's poisons left out, so there's barely a fucking wild animal or or even a fly in the air, and it's drenched in Wi-Fi. Yeah, um, but if so actually, interesting, when I was in America, there I found like wide expanses of nature that felt so wild to be fine. Yeah, they have big empty spaces, yeah. I mean, it there is a completely different feeling in the air, yeah. And yeah, where I whereas when I sit in a city, I feel drained where I've went to those environments, I felt charged. I felt like yeah, there's this beautiful, very contrasting energy flowing through me.

SPEAKER_00 23:35

I I'm laughing because I have a very similar story about the electricity.

SPEAKER_02 23:39

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:39

Yeah, when I was in Prague living in Czech Republic and I was in the forest, I took this like for the this is probably the first time I ever allowed myself like a few weeks to actually completely switch off from the outside world. Like I just went silent, it was like radio silence, and I had a perfect place to do it in the forest, this little cabin. And I when I started, you know, that feeling of I'm sitting with myself now, I have nothing to do, there's nothing planned. I was squirming a little bit and feeling distracted. And Nicola Tessa, I don't know if I told you this, he's one of my main guides in the other realms.

SPEAKER_02 24:09

I love the way I don't know if I've told you this several times, darling. Several times.

SPEAKER_00 24:13

Good. Anyway, he gets a mention. Um, I prayed to him. I was like, help me here. Like this is I'm not sitting with myself. I was struggling, like I wasn't feeling like I was dropping in. And I'm not joking, a few minutes later, all the electricity cut out, including the Wi-Fi. And then I was like, because Nicola, he works with the electricity, the grid the whole time. And I was like, Oh, thank you. Like this is great. And in that time, I just remember the days and nights blending into each other. I think it was out for like a day or so. It wasn't like for the whole time, but it it switched me off. Sorry. The grid was gone. And and yeah, in that time, I was I noticed myself like um merging with the other fields, like the psychic field, like like you said, the feeling of plant medicine. It's like, oh, the medicine is here without medicine, because we are the medicine, like the medicine only shows us more of who we actually are if we can get still enough, right?

SPEAKER_02 25:06

This I I love that we're let's say multidimensional beings. And people are like, what are you talking about? It's actually very interesting. If you look at the um capacity we have to actually see what's in front of us, to see light, we don't even see two percent. It's tiny, it's tiny, and so it's like, oh wow, okay, so what you're seeing in front of you is only two percent of what's actually there. Yeah, yeah, that it suddenly opens up, but oh wow, there's a world of different things that we can tune into. Yeah, and yeah, for me, anytime I've done any medicine work, I've of I I've I've very much recognized that. I've been like, wow, this is here for me to tap into. And oftentimes separate from medicine, I've been able to get myself close, are slightly different states. And I'm like, it is amazing. We as humans can live in different realms.

SPEAKER_00 25:54

Yeah. Um we like we're in totally different realities right now. I find this always fascinating, and I've had some painful experiences. Everyone will experience this in like a relationship where you're trying to reach into someone else's reality because you can see a pattern that they're doing that's really painful for both, right? And it's like you're desperately trying to share it, but there's no it's like the consciousness is the reality. Okay, you can't drag someone over here because they're in their own consciousness.

SPEAKER_02 26:20

So a depth of consciousness is essentially like the deeper you go, the different different you see the world, and the different you see the world, literally it reshapes accordingly.

SPEAKER_00 26:29

The reality, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:30

And that would seem abstract. However, if we were to say, for example, say, look back in time 10 years ago, you can see your 10-year-old self, um, or 10 years ago.

SPEAKER_00 26:43

I'm like, you're you're giving me a nice age there, Jimmy.

SPEAKER_02 26:45

Yeah, looking through the world and you know, just seeing it as they can see it. Now, if you go back in time for where you are right now, you can see the problems completely differently. You can see your solutions completely differently. What would have taken you years to work through, you could probably do in weeks or months.

SPEAKER_00 27:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:02

Different dimensions. Totally different dimensions, dictated by the depth of consciousness and awareness that you have.

SPEAKER_00 27:08

Yeah. So how do you escape the matrix? You actually, it's it's the matrix is just about your own consciousness, like where you've locked yourself in a golden cage.

SPEAKER_02 27:15

So it's like matrix is level one consciousness. And as you as you deep dive deeper into yourself and you expand your awareness of the world, you start to evolve from there. And the interesting thing is that but as you do, you recognize how powerful you are because you can see the different decisions that you would make that could either A uh bring about the issues that you have suffered from in the past, are the solutions that would have navigated you through them more uh more easily. You could see that life isn't happening to you, it's happening through you. Yeah, you're the gatekeeper.

SPEAKER_00 27:49

Yeah. You are the gate, actually, and the the gates of consciousness is what you're trying to unlock, and they lead to the inner kingdom. This is what the new earth is, right? If anyone knows that speak, it's like you're unlocking your divine blueprint where you can live as a divine representation of God essentially, without religion, just source energy, like pure in your divine essence, enjoying life.

SPEAKER_02 28:13

I love that that religions um would have you learn about God when really you are God. Yeah. And it's to learn how to access your realms and states in the person of God.

SPEAKER_00 28:23

It's like made in the image of God. It's so funny to when you look at the because I I got access to the book of light, which is like the original Bible, how it was meant to sound. And it's slightly twisted, it got twisted through our own ignorance. Slightly, slightly twisted, slightly twisted to say the power is outside of you, not here. I love you.

Nature, Cities, And Energetic Hygiene

SPEAKER_02 28:41

Like you hope the Bible, and it's like, and Joseph went to Nazareth to pay his taxes, and so all you Christians should have to pay your taxes. It's like it's propaganda, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:51

It is propaganda, and when you start to recognize that, the more free you get, the more you can see the untruth of those programs. And that's the thing, you don't need anyone to convince you, right?

SPEAKER_02 29:00

Which is such a shameful act to like uh essentially um rearrange uh a faith, rearrange a deeper knowing of oneself uh to to to suit a common objective, right? Or to to suit someone's uh objectives. It's like oh, it's horrible. I often uh people would be like, Oh, you you have a cross around your your neck, and I I have no affinity whatsoever to religion, but the the concepts of spirituality and indeed cr Christ consciousness blow my mind. Yeah, this whole idea that essentially the kingdom of God is within, yeah, and the better you look after yourself, the greater capacity you have to connect with that inner God and kingdom.

SPEAKER_00 29:40

Right. And this cross is the intersection between above and below, like we're in a vertical spirit and a horizontal plane, physical. So the cross actually represents that. The key of life, the anch from Egypt, this is like the cycle of consciousness, like the cycle of evolution, the balance of the masculine and the feminine, anchored in physical form. So we are actually projected down consciousness into a body. We're there and here at the same time. This is where the multidimensionality gets a little bit trippy. It's like our soul is up there projecting this down here. That's more real than here. You know, we're in this simulation, we'll say, and we're like, well, this is so tangible and real. Why do we come here? This is the only place we can eat food. This is the only place we can rub off of each other and like have a contrast. This is the only place we can experience love in a reflection of somebody else. You can have a baby and like think and look at this miracle of an extension of you. It's the only place that we can have that kind of reverence, that kind of sacred experience. So, why would we not want to come here to try and birth consciousness down here? And it's a big mission. Like, if you feel the density of what's going on here and the level of consciousness, like the war consciousness, this is like not a fun reality. It's very dense. As light workers, people come here to help awaken and help free everybody from that, and not in a savior way, more like we're turning our own blueprints on so that other people can resonate with it. And when it comes to what you were saying about choices, you know, you now have such like an ability to choose different pathways. It's actually even what's playing in your field, because we have this Troy deal field of energy, right? There we're always emanating something, and this is where all the programs and conditions live, and also where the blueprint lives if it's if it's awakened and alive. You then, when you free yourself, you walk around with your desires in your field. You walk around at what you actually want instead of don't want. So you start to attract, like things just start to happen around you, and you're not doing anything for it. It's like this is a desire in my field, and the resonance shows up for it. So the more you unlock your blueprint, the more you see how your natural resonance just gravitates towards you. And that's what manifestation is. Like we have all of these kind of funny explanations of manifestation on a true level. It's like, what is your resonance and what are you attracting because of who you are?

SPEAKER_02 31:56

So this whole subject of wow, you just opened up like let me dig into it. But what I found was um I was amazed. Um I was living in Bali, living as light as can be, as happy as can be. And it was in really interesting. It was like everything was uh lining up and coming to me, somewhat similar to how you talked. Yeah. Spoke. Um, I then went to live in London for a little while, and it was the complete opposite. And I actually felt like this this implosion, this burnout. Um and what I've come to kind of believe, and I I kind of like weather testing this off you, is that yes, we have uh we have our aura, we have a number of different energetic layers beyond our skin. Um and in cities, in these dense environments, a huge amount of our inner energy needs to go into this, let's say, this protective field around us. And it's it's it's it's quite intrusive. There's loud noise, there's this heavy energy, there's a lot of also scary shit just when you put people on top of the on top of each other in their stress. And I found that so much of my energy had to go into this, let's say, protective field that when I am at home, for example, sake, home with my family, it's like all that protection just goes. I feel safe. Or when I'm in nature, boom, it goes, I feel safe. And it's like that energy can come into me all the more, and in actual fact, compliment me all the more. I find that that that whole side of things really, really interesting. Because we again we only like to kind of appreciate what we see physically, we don't necessarily see beyond that in energetic. But yeah, I I I talk to me about that because that that's a space I'm really curious about.

SPEAKER_00 33:46

There's layers to this, like when we're awakening, like trying to let go of the false self and coming into the true self, coming into the soul blueprint, and you're in an unsupportive environment. This is like you know, swimming upstream. You're giving yourself a much lower chance of actually becoming that essence because you're not in a supportive field for it. Like cities are generally survival and grind energy, they're burnout energy. This is like that's why you feel like you need protection from it, because the whole field, because because we live in a collective field, we are sensitive to what that field is, the intention of that city is.

SPEAKER_04 34:20

Yeah.

Multidimensionality, Consciousness, And Choice

SPEAKER_00 34:21

And everything that's going on in that city, you're like swimming in it, right? If you want to feel who you are and you're swimming in a stream of something that isn't you, it's very hard to separate yourself from that. I would say there's layers of when you isolate yourself, when you take yourself out or bring yourself into a more supportive environment and start to sit with yourself, like we've been talking about. That's when you start to activate and understand and integrate who you actually are and bring it down, like bring allow that consciousness to come more alive through you. When you re-emerge, there's these phases, right? Take yourself out of that first if you can, or isolate yourself in that and feel who you are, then re-emerge. Now I feel, and I I myself have much more capacity to go into cities and stay vibrating and stay open in terms of who I am. I have I have a limit in terms of how long I can stay there, but it's almost like we have to now bring that consciousness. This is what I call grid working, like it's part of what my soul does. Go into the dark cities, you know, go into the places that the consciousness is barely on and bring your consciousness there so that you're bringing like a light, like a torch into this field. And it's like in and out. Like I can't stay there for too long.

SPEAKER_02 35:33

It's exactly similar. You look at the start of this chat, you talked about extremes. We both did though. And what I find is that I notice things in the extremes.

SPEAKER_04 35:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 35:42

And I also am conscious as well that if I stay in a place too long, I can normalize. So, for example, like if I eat something bad, generally speaking, I'll quickly react to it. But if I eat it for a long period, I normalize in it and I don't think anything else.

SPEAKER_00 35:55

You don't feel it anymore, right?

SPEAKER_02 35:56

The same with an environment. So if I come into the wrong environment, I'll feel it for the first few days. If I don't listen to myself, it's like something clicks and my body rearranges for it to be okay. Yeah. That's not to say it's still not bad for me.

SPEAKER_04 36:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:10

Um, but it's just there's it's like a funny way of getting on with things. And so if I take away the, let's say, like the force getting through it, and I dip into a city for a few days, and then I dip into nature for a few days, and I dip into a different environment, a different environment, it's like I can very, very quickly grasp, ah, this works for me here, that doesn't. Yeah, that really doesn't work for me, that does. And off the back of it, I I find myself, uh find myself and how I work. And I I recognize we're all individuals. What I'm sharing, I like there are some types that just bloody thrive in cities. Good for them. Yeah, not me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:45

Um, but this like if you're resonant with making money and striving in burnout, you'll you'll thrive in a city. You know, if you're resonant with that, if you start to awaken and you're resonant with something else, that will feel like hell to you. Whereas because we've all had like long stints in cities, or like we were resonant with it. Like when I was bodybuilding, the city didn't affect me at all. I was so resilient.

SPEAKER_02 37:08

I didn't think anything of it.

SPEAKER_00 37:09

No, and there's a resilience of that type of person. Like when you start to awaken, you start to become vulnerable, right? You're opening yourself, you're kind of exposing yourself in many different ways. I I see sometimes like some people are just so resilient that they and they're they're in a fear consciousness, but they don't get sick because they're so resilient.

SPEAKER_02 37:27

Show the big uh the big catalyst for this of this realization. Like I lived in Dublin City Center for 10 years and I thought nothing of it. It's just like great, it was my norm. It was in COVID when all the building work stopped. Well, firstly, when all the traffic stopped and people stopped coming into town, but then the building stopped. And it was a quiet I hadn't appreciated ever before. There was such stillness in the air, and then there was nature. Yeah, like nature really came back, and it was so beautiful to hear the birds, but to hear the silence in between the birds. And I actually immediately it's like I crashed in that. It was like it's like perhaps that protection that I talked about, that energy of holding okay, that got to just relax for a while, and suddenly I was like I was like out of it, but it was it felt so good. Anyway, a couple of months later, when all the building resumed, it resumed, and within three or four days I was out of there. I actually went to join you in Czech Republic. But it uh it it it it that that I find so interesting that you you can be in an environment, think absolutely nothing of it, you get a taste of a different environment, which is better, and you relax into it all the more, and then you switch back to what the way it was and it's intolerable anymore.

SPEAKER_00 38:46

Yeah, and you don't know if you're still swimming in it, right? You have to kind of go into a different pond to feel like the water in that pond, right?

SPEAKER_02 38:54

And I I I I actually now God, I love that idea that when you look back, you connect to the dots. I know that that was really the inspiration for okay, Jamie, try different environments now. Yeah. Don't um don't assume you know what's working for you and what's not. I actually the concrete way to do that is through self-experiment. Yeah, enjoy different contrasting environments, and very quickly you'll figure out what works for you, what doesn't, and then play to that. I always feel like well, I believe we're superhuman underneath it all. I think you do too. As the lady who walked in with wings on her back.

SPEAKER_00 39:26

We are absolutely superhuman. And this is like what I'm praying to. Like, I just pray that everyone discovers the superhumanness because when you start to awaken to your blueprint, there's so much beauty in like discovering your essence. It's like you're in a front row seat of watching yourself rebirth yourself, and you're kind of like, holy shit, like wow, like this is who I am. Like, and and who you are is not a surprise, it's the most natural thing that you can imagine you are that is kind of so obvious that you can't see it.

SPEAKER_02 39:57

Can I make that practical? Because I'm thinking for Myself, like okay, living in a city wasn't really working for me, but I settled within it and I've become unconscious to it. Recognize actually living in more nature is better for me. And this drills down to like people that perhaps put a focus on their sleep, they recognize good sleep versus bad sleep, and immediately speaking, notice the difference. If you deep dive into your diet, you immediately speaking start to notice the difference. Even water. Oh my god, I became obsessed with Kangan water for a little while, but now it's it's hard to drink other types of water. And little by little, as you start to stack all these, even with work, you recognize the work that perhaps you're in that actually doesn't really call to your heart versus work that lights you up.

SPEAKER_04 40:38

Yeah.

Gridworking And Finding Supportive Environments

SPEAKER_02 40:38

And you said that you love what you do. If you start to take out all these negatives, take out all these drains, take out all these compromises, take out all these things that you think you need to be doing and replace them with things that light you up. That for me has been the path to, let's say, these superpowers. And it can be a very interesting advan advantage. You know, when everybody else is essentially suffering through things. If you can in survival, if you can just start to play to your strengths a little bit more, that becomes the edge. That's like the biohack of all hacks, right?

SPEAKER_00 41:11

The biohack is the consciousness. Like how you the intention behind everything you do is what you get. So the energy that you do anything with is what you get. So even with food, it's like your relation, you can explore it on any different level, like your relationship to food, how you eat, the energy that you eat with. Like, are you eating from a place of starving yourself, or are you eating from a place of nourishing and enjoyment? And it's like the the intention of this consecrating with the food, you know, like it's your taking something in to nourish yourself. That's what praying with your food is. So you get into the details of like your relationship to everything. And like you said, most people are just on a hamster wheel of not recognizing the things that are making them feel bad because there's so much survival, there's so much disconnection or non-sensitivity through the survival mechanisms. We're just closed that we can't actually feel what the lack of sleep is doing. And we're so the ego is so in charge that it's just like, just get on with it. You know, there's just like this push kind of energy. And when you break up with that and you start to listen, you reinstate your intuition. And when you can listen to your intuition, that is a superpower. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 42:20

Just in the midst of what you were sharing there, I was getting flashbacks to that time of transition where I was starting to realize all the things I was doing that weren't serving me, but I didn't necessarily know the right path for going forward. And that middle ground was so disorientating. Yeah, it was like, oh, my environment doesn't work for me, but I don't know what environment does. My friends and relationships and how I'm showing up in them, it's not working for me, but I don't know how to do differently. All the ways I thought I was caring for myself, I actually realized I'm semi-poisoning myself, but I don't know the better path. Yeah, it was so paralyzing, it was so disorientating. And I I I if I kind of go back to that time where you talked about being in the forest and being on your own, at certain points, it's almost like you need to click the reset button. I can see my old Nintendo, my Super Nintendo click reset button. But I I I um yeah, I I I I I now can see so many moments of time in my life where I actually just had to pause everything because I've become so disillusioned, so kind of frustrated with how ill-serving so many of my habits have been and so many of the norms that were just not things you didn't question.

SPEAKER_00 43:30

Yeah. Um that unknown part's very interesting.

SPEAKER_02 43:33

It's hard.

SPEAKER_00 43:34

It's the hardest thing for everybody is to let go of control and to be in the unknown. That is also where the most synchronistic flow can come because you're not holding on. And when I say holding on, I mean in your reality, you're not fixing programs and fixing conditions of how things should be. You're kind of saying, okay, I'm open to the flow. And most people struggle with that because the fear of the unknown is so strong that they're like, Well, I don't know what to do. What should I do? And the mind kicks in, the mind's trying to figure it out. Whereas the soul knows the soul's going to bring you there, but we have to get back in tune with the feeling. And in that unknown, that's where the feeling is reinstated, that's where the intuition is reborn through. So if you and the benefit of getting still is that you start to tune back in to listen to what food feels good, what environment feels good, what people feel good, and that you start to trust that you can break up with that food, leave those people behind, move into a new environment and follow like your sense of like, okay, the city's not working, Dublin doesn't feel good right now. What about Bali? Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_02 44:35

What fascinates me is you talked about that that middle ground, which I have found so difficult, is the most rewarding.

SPEAKER_04 44:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:42

I know just as I kind of sit with it, I'm like, ah, I can see all those times. I I I I retreated. I actually the middle ground was so uncomfortable that I went back to the very past that I'd essentially run away from and moved myself on from. And I bounced around like a pinball for years, avoiding that middle ground where actually, yeah, I can see, yeah, magic unfolded, but it just was never obvious.

SPEAKER_00 45:11

Right. And if you see it as we're conditioned, right, that's familiar. This is an automatic programming that you're re-defaulting back to, we'll say, because you you have to choose your way into the new condition. We're becoming a new condition as a species. We have to consciously choose our way into what feels better, and we don't have a framework or a pathway for that. We only have our ability to feel. Do I feel light? Do I feel heavy? It's very basic something like very basic scale to tune into, but it works. You know, does that feel a little bit better? Does like taking three days off feel good to me?

SPEAKER_02 45:44

To consciously resist the temptation of familiar.

SPEAKER_00 45:47

Yeah, familiar is like poison.

SPEAKER_02 45:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:50

Because you're going back and revisiting the old reality. And people really struggle with that because the fear of letting go. Well, what if I lose all my money? What if I lose all my friends? What if I lose my identity? Yeah, you'll probably lose everything.

The Unknown, Letting Go, And Following Feel

SPEAKER_02 46:02

It's so interesting that so familiar is comfortable because you have a patterned approach through it. But in actual fact, that robs you of your presence and your capacity to hold to show up fully. Yeah. And so, like in your comfort zone, yes, it's relaxing and yes, it's safe, but you're you're not showing up in your full presence, in your full so so actually, if I'm loving now what I I kind of love when you can almost break things down a little bit. I'm loving now the realization that the comfort zone, although safe, lacks presence and so lacks magic, lacks this opportunity for dramatic change. You're never going to bring about that world-changing shift from within your comfort zone. That middle ground where you haven't yet discovered your next comfort zone, everything's up for grabs. And it's where you're at your heightened state of awareness, your greatest level of presence. And so, in that state, although it is a little disorientating, a little bit like quite stimulating, and it requires an enormous lever, a level of um energetic balance. Yeah, that's actually where you can make magic happen. Okay, I get that now. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 47:18

Presence, right? And like I was saying before, we're born and we're into this conditioning and we're running, and then we're living from the past and the future. Fear of the future, what might happen, fear of the past catching up with you, or living from past things that have happened and trying to protect yourself against them. When you collapse, this is what collapsing time is you get present, you're no longer horizontally stretched into the future and into the past. If you imagine that an energetic thread, yeah, you collapse, all of your energy becomes available now.

SPEAKER_04 47:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 47:47

Be here now, that's what that is. Getting still, getting present, getting slow enough to feel, getting slow and still enough in the matrix is that slow down movement to be able to consciously choose the pathway that you can sense that is your highest. Slowness, stillness, and presence brings you the ability to be that slow, to be in it. And I'm always saying to everyone that I work with it's slow down to speed up. And you'll hear this from many people. It's like when you give yourself permission to slow down, that is the biggest gift. That is the number one first step to actually be okay to for everything to fall apart. Because that old reality is not working. You actually want it to fall apart so that you can birth this essence. And that's very hard when we don't have a framework. I don't know who I am. That's why the question comes, who am I? Right? And that there, that's why we have these spiritual questions. Who am I? What do I want and why? Where am I? Consciousness walking down around in space. Like, what is time?

SPEAKER_02 48:45

Can I ask you something? I I feel like I'm I'm I'm hauling you into a very practical space, but I'm curious.

SPEAKER_00 48:51

Because I'm very much up here, so it's brilliant.

SPEAKER_02 48:54

Oh, it's lovely. I I love that this is recorded. I'm like, I will listen to this again and again. In the midst of uh this vipassana that I did a few weeks ago, I I got this thought. Um so I have actively avoided having a home up until recently. I took the money, I invested in stocks, and invested in crypto, and I loved that they were um immediately liquid. Um I could access them from anywhere in the world. And with the way I've set myself up, I'm capital gains tax-free. So they were they were essentially free.

SPEAKER_00 49:33

Yeah. Nice.

SPEAKER_02 49:36

More recently I've um I've started building a house in Bali. And what I'm recognizing now is wow, that's a bit of money tied up. And then it's like, oh god, there's quite a little quite a lot of terms and conditions and details that are needed for that. And it also starts to influence my travel plans. Where I'm like, oh yeah, I should well, if I have that house, I should probably spend a bit more time there. And I I love that saying from Fight Club Tyler Jordan says very quickly we see we we come to learn that the things we own actually own us. I'm recognizing that that house is owning me. Um and and so now almost pretty much at the point when it's built, I'm like, maybe I'll sell it. I'm having this slowdown chapter. I've had several of these. That one's coming up for me. There's another one, and I'm really curious. Like you you you talked about um at Tantra, and I and then there's a part, I uh I I don't know your relational state or status or anything like that, but of openness. That relationships in a monogamous sense can be highly compromising and sensitive to people. As in for them to be true to themselves in a container with another is hard, and very quickly they start doing things. One are me in the past, I have done things that weren't true for me in favor of my partner or part prioritizing my partner. And I'm curious to ask you this. Like, I'm I'm still kind of wrestling with like, how do I relate going forward? How am I gonna home myself? And I'm curious, what do you think in those questions?

SPEAKER_00 51:15

I love this topic. Yeah, I love it. Um, the codes of sacred union is you have a circle, is the I am, which is when you become your whole blueprint, right? And then you have two circles that merge together. This is the flower of life, by the way. They create the vesica pisces in the center. This is the container of the relationship. The two circles that are in their blueprint merge. That's a sacred union, one with another, with spirit, with a higher purpose. And then you have all of these other circles and the flower of life that come together as we are. Yeah, we all are. That's what polyamory is trying to do. It's trying to become the divine version of love for everybody. So, in that it's more about um in relationship with yourself, are you honoring, respecting, loving yourself? Are you really deeply listening and understanding yourself? This is sacred union with your soul. Are you understanding why you're here and becoming in connection with that part of you? And when you do it with another person, are you deeply understanding the other? Are you respecting and honoring them? Are you being honest? Are you trusting? Are you in truth?

unknown 52:20

Right.

SPEAKER_02 52:21

I'm almost getting emotional as you're saying this. Actually, when you first spoke there, I got so angry for a moment. Can I share why?

SPEAKER_04 52:27

Yeah.

Sacred Union, Boundaries, And Self-Love

SPEAKER_02 52:28

The very first thing you alluded to in relationship is you said, are you nurturing, are you caring? Are you loving of yourself? It's like if I go back to, let's say, it's it's kind of funny. Like, if I think of school, it was like German history, maths, geography, like rubbish. But I mean, I was like, Where what taught me love? But all the influences in me, friends, family, strangers, movies, you name it, they all talked about are you loving, caring, nurturing of your partner? There was no, and this could be just my experience, but there was no emphasis on yourself. How do you look after yourself in a relationship? And my my wound is oh, I've given myself away in relationship. I'm sure past partners would be like, You dick, no, you're self-centered, but we all have our own experiences.

SPEAKER_04 53:13

Right.

SPEAKER_02 53:13

And I yeah, I I just I love that you you yeah, I love that you put that emphasis on that first. Like when I record this podcast, for whoever listens, really what I'd hope is that me 20 years ago got to have a listen. I wish I came to understand that.

SPEAKER_00 53:29

Like imagine if we were given a new program, right? I give you a program for relationships. If you were told when you were growing up, you're gonna meet many different people that you will have intimacy with that are gonna bring different parts of you home to you. They're gonna help you remember who you are and why you came here. You would just be so fine to let go when something wasn't working or it was when it was complete. It wasn't you need to get married and have kids and you know get a divorce. It wasn't like you need to have the house together. This like nuclear family, like versus tribe, you know, versus free flow of like discovery and exploration and curiosity. And we have like distorted versions of everything, right? Because there's loads of shadows that come up in a relationship, and we're all just doing our best to transmute our own shadows in the self-inquiry process of like, well, why did I react like that? Like, what is my projection in this? What is my part in this? Where am I struggling to love here? If you have a framework of self-inquiry, you can move through a space of self-love and a boundary self in terms of taking care of yourself, you can move in a relationship with somebody and not lose yourself. Yeah, you can move and ask conscious questions and share vulnerably how you feel. And the problem is we've been so squashed down in terms of vulnerability because of the resilience that we need to live here. Yeah, that the the vulnerability is not so accessible. So people end up like disconnected, right? And they're just moving from the head.

SPEAKER_02 54:55

You talked about the energy we're expending just living, but also the normality around self-hate.

SPEAKER_04 55:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 55:01

The normality around like you know, what are we actively doing so much that is actually not serving us, that we're so used to putting ourselves second. It's such a foreign thing to actually covet and look after ourselves better.

SPEAKER_00 55:15

Like how many people will even be listening to this, knowing that they're selling their soul to a company. Like I used to, when I was a creative director, I used to work until midnight for a company. It was like and and abuse myself in terms of not resting and not taking care of myself, not eating, sometimes not even going to the bathroom. You know, it's just like completely siphoning your energy into one thing to try and prove your worth. Yeah, it's an endless pit.

SPEAKER_02 55:39

When you talked of relationship there, you talked about breakup, you talked about divorce. Interestingly, like I've gone on quite a relational journey. It scares the hell out of me. It scares the hell out of me the idea of opening my heart again to go through those those processes. Horrible. That I I actually now, when I instinctively like when I think of relationships, so much fear comes up, which is such a sad state. Because obviously, you know, whatever about those issues, there's so much more positive on the other side to justify it.

SPEAKER_00 56:09

Right.

SPEAKER_02 56:10

But hell of a lot of fear imprinted on me.

SPEAKER_00 56:13

And it's because of past pain, right? That we have then the memory of the pain. So it's about listening to the pain body of like what I learned from that. So as you move forward, it's like knowing that when you get heartbroken, you're actually breaking open, right? It's not that something bad happened, it's that you're awakening. And I know for me, like I've allowed this intense level of heartbreak to awaken me. It's like when you start to breathe into it, you're recognizing that you're really deeply feeling something, right? And then you're like, whoa, I'm alive. That's a big grief. And you're kind of like, whoa, that's like somehow feeling good because you're letting go. It's not good when you're in the mind thinking, like, oh, it shouldn't have happened that way. This is like I call the victim crying. It's like, ugh, I wish that didn't happen. It's like it's so painful that you can't even go into it, right?

SPEAKER_02 56:56

It's uh what I recognize is that it's the resistance of the process that actually hurt me the most rather than the accepting. And your note of like, hey, if you could be told from a young age that you're gonna go through all these different intimate connections and each of them is going to open you up to a different realm, you would not have been so attached, you would not have been so fearful of the the endings of those and a natural effect.

SPEAKER_00 57:21

Yeah, right. You think the ending is a failure somehow that didn't work out, and then I have a failed marriage, or I'm thinking of like baby me going through a breakup, and you're like, Oh, I broke up and everybody's like, Oh, we're so sorry.

SPEAKER_02 57:32

It should really be like, oh, fantastic. What have you learned? Right. What are you learning?

SPEAKER_00 57:35

Did you did you get the message? Yeah, what part of you came home? I start asking people these questions. It's like it's up to us to change the framework, right? To give people permission to move through things in an empowered way, to know that you're bringing a part of your soul home. Like for me, that was massively liberating. Like going from the anxious attachment and the avoidant patterns that a lot of people play out, and they're just in this hell of like back and forth of not opening and not transmuting anything. And it's like the resistant energy. If there's a wall in between, if you can break through that and get out of that and find the part of you that will never abandon yourself, right? That's it. This is what sitting with yourself gives you the part of you that would just never ever hurt yourself.

SPEAKER_02 58:18

Let me just tune into that because I had these enormous um learning experiences of this summer. In particular, it all kind of culminated in Burning Man. So cliche. I'm that guy. And I had a lovely little uh Burning Man romance.

SPEAKER_00 58:34

Did you enjoy it? Oh, I loved it.

Heartbreak As Awakening And New Frameworks

SPEAKER_02 58:37

I loved it. Um and that that the philosophy I left was exactly this it was like surrender, like surrender yourself, be completely open with yourself where you're at and everything. Trust, trust that like whatever will be will be, and and that there's something more uh something more to say uh to to to serve you surrender, trust, faith, um and and this idea of like move away from trying to manipulate circumstances, move away from this idea that you think you know best. There's a higher power at play. And I I met these fantastically interesting people who were all living this reality of very trusting, very surrendering, very honest, very open, very free. Yeah. And um I feel uh yeah, I feel that in the philosophy um that you're sharing. It's kind of it's kind of funny. I it's like I got these codes, let's say, uh Burning Man, and and and and and through the connections I made there, and they were so uh foreign to to where I was at, but little by little I'm seeing their truth. I'm seeing their value, and it was like surrender this resistance, have faith, trust. There's a much more beautiful, pure energy in that. I was chatting to a friend earlier, and um I was kind of I was moaning about I was giving out about some circumstances. She was like, Why do you not think the universe has your back here? Why do you not think there's a greater greater um a greater motive at play here? Uh a greater intelligence uh at work. It's funny that just needed to be said to me for me to go back and go, ah and it's yeah, and as you're sharing this, this is it's a it's a reminder and somewhat like a punch in the face as well. It's great. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:41

I love that you're using these words, surrender and trust. And what was the other one you said? Let go? No, faith. Faith. Surrender, trust. You're speaking about divine will, right? I had a huge experience last year where I surrendered to my divine will, and I started to recognize that your personal will as a human is actually in alignment with your divine will. But we spend so much time in resistance to being with ourselves that we're always pushing against our divine will, and this is where there's no flow. Whereas when we get into that synchronistic flow of surrender and trust, the unknown space of moving through, being very present, you're not just like, it's not the because there's versions of consciousness that will just be floating along, the leaf blowing down the river with any direction. You still have direction, you're just tuning into what the direction is. You're not being blown around the place unconsciously, you're actually following the flow of where you're being asked to go. So you're very present, you're very focused. It's not a it's not a floaty state, actually, it's a very present state.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:39

Yeah, there was a kind of an idea, and I think it's an idea of old of these like floaty hippies. Yeah. Whereas you talked about like there's a difference in consciousness evolving, and these were, let's say, the forerunners for me. Like when I sat there in Burning Man and around tables and chatting, and and I've as I sort of noticed it since, it's like there's these hybrid humans that are so bloody present, they're so trusting, they they're so open and trusting of you with them, and they're magnificently successful. Yeah, there's this balance.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:13

Yeah, um that's where we're heading. This is the superhuman, and that is trust and surrender. So surrender is our natural state, believe it or not. Like that's the state that we're preconditioned. Like, if you imagine the holding patterns are holding us, that's not surrender, that's this. This is surrender.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:29

I love that. I have this image. I have found um, you know, the 12 steps program and uh where they talk about, you know, for whatever works, you just can't carry anymore, give them to God. And I have found myself off the I I wonder sometimes what my neighbors think of me and say, say when they may walk past me like crying on the beach on my knees with my hands out, being like, oh, offering it up. Offering it, surrender, but it's it's kind of odd because I look at those moments and there's a lot of cringe. Um but it's beauty, but there's huge turning points that have come from those moments where I just recognize I can't hold this anymore. I I I actually I don't know. Um, all I can ask is that I can give some of this some of this away so I can get through things, and it's like it's gone. Magic unfolds.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:16

Yeah, and that's trust, right? And trust is the key to love. Trust leads to listening to your feelings. When you listen to your feelings, you feel safe because you're taking care of yourself. That is self-love. Saying yes when you mean yes, saying no when you mean no, that is self-love. It's so basic, it's so basic, and it's so difficult for us because we're too busy trying to take care of the external can I ask when you say self-love in practice?

SPEAKER_02 1:03:41

No, no, no, no, no. I love it, brought a big smile to my face. I'm I I'm so curious to ask you, like as you sit through, let's say, the montage of memories, what comes up for you?

SPEAKER_00 1:03:49

Like my journey with self-love?

SPEAKER_02 1:03:52

Just an act of self-love because when you when you shared that, odd, right? I first I have this fruit bowl that I love, and the joy it brings when I'm like, oh no.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:04

Is she gonna be fine?

SPEAKER_02 1:04:05

But then yeah, it was it was um back home in Ireland the Bunsen burgers and their milkshakes outrageous. I can only eat about halfway through or one before I feel absolutely dreadfully ill, but they're so bloody delicious, and there was the joy of of that moment bizarre, but that's what came up for me. And it's it's I love the way like what self-love looks like is completely individual, yeah, and and it's relative to where somebody's at and what they're going through and everything, but it's just the image, and I was like, Oh, I wonder what is as I look over at you. What is it for you?

SPEAKER_00 1:04:39

I I have a funny journey with self-love because when I first like recognized that there wasn't self-love happening, like out of the back of that bodybuilding phase, I was really like, What is self-love? It's pretty lame that I don't love myself. Like it, I just started to feel like the lameness of that, and then also the desperateness of like not knowing what that looks like in reality. I was like, what would feel self-loving to me right now? The only thing in that time that I could think of was having cacao. I was like, Oh, I'll do cacao ceremony. That felt like this delicious chocolate, also sitting with myself. So, like cacao in that time was my only anchor into self-love. I realized in that time as well. I spent about six months sitting with cacao.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:17

Like I remember. Yeah. I remember looking at your stories, being like, wow, she's really doing it.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:23

Twice a day. I was barely eating anything else. It was a real dieta with the medicine, which is it's heart medicine. I didn't know what I was doing at the time. I was just following like this is the only thing that felt good, right? So I was really just focused on it. And in that time, I was obviously asking the question of, well, what does it mean to love yourself? What does that look like? And that's when these qualities started to come in about like listening to yourself, saying yes, saying no, trusting, like building self-trust, that you are actually taking care of yourself as a sacred being. That actually is what self-love is. It's not really doing anything else besides actually moving as love. Like you take care of yourself and you honor yourself as sacred. That is what self-love is, whatever that looks like. And that can be like opulent things as well, as long as the intention is I love myself. Because you can go to the sauna or to the gym from a place of self-hate or I'm not good enough, or whatever. You can go for a masa to try to change your body, or you can go there to really take care of yourself and nourish yourself, right?

Surrender, Faith, And Divine Will

SPEAKER_02 1:06:21

Yeah. Funny, you made it so practical. The the image then that was playing out of my head was making a bed. Yes. I'll make a bed because I have to don't make a bed or make it and make it with love and reverence to your future self that's going to come back and enjoy it. Yeah, it feels like it. Clean your clothes and wake up to putting on new, fresh, clear, crisp, clean clothes. Look after yourself in terms of grooming. Yeah. Um, are you doing it from a place of like needy urgency of you need to be somewhat different, or are you actually just enjoying your yourself?

SPEAKER_00 1:06:53

Like you're brushing your hair with love, or are you trying to change the style because you want to look different? Or you know, it's like the intention behind everything. Because one person can do something and somebody else can do it from very different places. One is loving and one is not.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:10

I love that you spoke of the power of slowing down because so much of my work when I'm uh with someone is I I really try to slow them down. And I I give such basics of like, well, let's let's get your sleep right, let's get your food right, let's get your exercise right, let's get, you know, let's sort out any any perhaps conversations that that are overdue. Let's just clean up your environment. But I want to inject in and reprioritize that sense of self-love. How can we open up all these lovely little moments that show that where you get to show yourself that you're a priority? Like because I I remember in a kind of a deep dive on dating, one of the kind of things was why don't you start dating yourself? It's lovely to bring myself to my favorite restaurant, and stuff, um, and do the things I really wanted to do. Um, you've got to recognize there's an extreme in that that doesn't need to be. It can actually be so much more simple. Yeah, it can be in a simple act of buying yourself an item of clothing or taking just a little bit of an extra second before you get out of bed or stay a little bit longer to shower, whatever it is, just to indulge in feeling that a little bit better in that moment is deeply impacting when you start to roll it out uh over on over numerous occasions throughout a day.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:23

Right, or create rituals. Like something for me is like what that whole time period brought me was ritual and the potency of a ritual. Like you're taking time to presence and pray to remember who you actually are, which is love. And whatever that looks like, it's like, are you slowing down to have those moments to kind of gather yourself and feel your intention for the day? That's also self-love. You're not being unconsciously dragged around by the programs that might have hooked back in, you know, and they they're the old program and the old conditioning is so strong that we have to continually choose our way out of it until we feel really free, yeah, until that's the governor, until our consciousness and our soul is governing us, we have to consciously always continue to choose our way out of the old. And that that is actions of love. Like, what does love look like? What would a person who loves themselves do right now? And not in the cheesy way of just I'm gonna get my nails done, or you know, it's it's like it can't you can get your nails done, but really be in the okay, I'm a goddess today, I'm gonna enjoy the whole experience. It's not just to get them done. Yeah, it's like you're fully present in whatever you're doing, and it really is presence, like everything boils back down to presence again.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:31

Presence, attention, care, and trueness to the moment rather than autopilot for how things have been in the past.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:37

Yeah, you're just trying to get somewhere today because you have a list of things to do today. It's more like it's so hard for us to get into that flow because, like we said, we're patterned, right? And we're crystalline patterned as beings in general. We are patterned. The condition that we were born through is still running until we leave, you know. So we're always going to be patterned, but how much are you in your crystalline DNA versus like the junk that's happening?

SPEAKER_02 1:10:01

Can I make that practical?

SPEAKER_00 1:10:02

Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:03

No, no, no, no, no, no. But like what I think is that there's just there's behaviors, there's norms that say, for example, say, my grandfather just had, and and and and he as a couple with my grandmother, that would have essentially been imprinted onto my father, um, and likewise on my mother's side. And they perhaps might not have just questioned anything, that just might have been the norm in their lives, but it really wasn't true to their lives, it was just the norms of their ancestors that were imprinted upon them. Yeah, and those then were imprinted onto me. And for some, that could just go unnoticed throughout a lifetime, but to evolve is to actually slow yourself down and slow yourself down enough so that you can see how it is that you're living. And is it true to how you want to live? Or are you essentially just living your ancestors' lives through you? Yeah. And as we better tune ourselves to be in our authenticity, our truth, that's where we come to ourselves, that's where we bring our presence, that's where we bring our open up our energy all the more, where we are living true to ourselves, not to third parties' ancestors.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:14

Right. And you can see how it can get quite exhausting quite quickly because there's so much to look at, right?

SPEAKER_02 1:11:19

There's I I fend that. I fend this work savagely overwhelming at times.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:25

Because there's so many conditions, right? And there's so much confusion around who you should be.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:29

I hence I get the idea of you going out into the forest and completely, let's say, sem sensorily uh deprivating.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:37

Yeah. And and and simplifying your life to the point that you can see all the little things within that frame and then rebuild going forward from there.

Ritual, Presence, And Everyday Self-Care

SPEAKER_00 1:11:46

Right. And the answer is simple but not easy. Right. It's so hard to sit with yourself and simplify everything, but it's the most effective thing you can do. And I would say, as well, with the healing, like people are on these healing journeys of like going into the ancestral line of like what we're deprogramming from. And our parents did their role perfectly. Now we're doing the role for the next generation. Like it's this evolution that's happening. So, like, there's nothing wrong with the ancestral line. It's just more, we have a better chance now. There's more consciousness in the field now, there's more available in terms of like resources and different things. And if you really allow yourself to see that as a journey of revealing who you are versus healing the past, so then it becomes more exciting. Okay, I'm revealing who I am versus like, oh, I'm broken and I need to heal. It's like it's not about that. It's like that that's an endless pit. You can actually do spiritual bypass very well through the healing world. I'm constantly looking for where I'm not whole, and there can be an avoidance of who I am through that. So it's more about like looking and searching with curiosity for like, well, if none of that is me, who am I as a being? Where do I come from as a being? What is my essence as a being? And we're all very individual. Like there will be soul essences that are similar. Like there's going to be people that have similar blueprint to me, but nobody's like me. Nobody's like you. And I always say the highest compliment that I can give someone is I've never met somebody like you. Because that means they're really in their essence. They're not trying to be somebody else, they're not trying to copy or mimic or try and fit in, they're just being themselves, and it's a specific flavor.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:14

I I love that. Like, yeah, no one can be a better you than you. The greatest gift that you've essentially been given is your individuality.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:21

And the greatest gift that you can give to the world is your individuality because it's the difference. That's that's special. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:29

And it's hard for people because there's so much self-judgment, right? Yeah. So somebody wants you to be this.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:35

It's so unsafe to step out of the norm.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:41

I asked you at the start of this, I was like, so what have you been up to over the last six years? I actually feel now it's completely similar. Um, perhaps on a more extreme basis. But but what we've what we've both been doing, or what we've both felt this conviction of, is that whatever about the world outside, the world inside, and the internal re-rewiring uh to a greater, greater state of truth and authenticity, is the most magnificent journey because that changes our outside world.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:09

Right.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:09

And we get to see more of the world with that. Like I find the greater level of consciousness, the greater um the greater depth at which we see the world.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:19

Um it's intimacy, right? You're more intimate because you're deeper, you're more here, therefore you experience more. Like a person who's not present is not really experiencing because there's so much spread across this horizontal past and future that they're not here enough to to be in the experience of what's happening and like to absorb and to really relish it. And why most people will have a sense of like unfulfillment is because they're not present enough to fully soak it in. Yeah, they're not here, they're like here versus like really being here and and moving with that uh intimacy with everyone that you meet. And like it's great when I meet someone deep because I was like, oh yes, all the way down into the depths of where we can go together, and like how much can we experience and be in remembrance together and be awake in this time together and be free together. Like that's a beautiful world.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:10

I I do know I I remember being upset with myself because I was getting very sensitive as I was raising my awareness. Now I see the value in that. I also at certain points there's a real um I want to get going and a curiosity of like why am I slowing down? But it's like I see, and it's actually like that's the magic. Um I got I sometimes get real sense of FOMO that like I'm not moving fast enough and the world is moving on and everything. But it's like, no, no, no, the genius is in slowing down, and yes, it may be different to everybody else, but that's okay. Yeah, I oftentimes that's where success comes from.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:49

I think we vastly underestimate the length of time that slowdown takes as well, or how many different portals, like you said, moments where you withdraw yourself. Like we think that, like, okay, I've done it now for a few weeks or a month or a few months, I'm ready to go again. And you are on certain certain level, you're catching a new wave of creative life or something, but then you start to have the field almost knock you back again because your soul knows that you need to sit for longer, stay in it a little bit longer. I say this to everyone with the medicine, just wait a little bit longer. That's where the juice is. It's the same with Tantra, it's the same with everything. It's like how slow can you go? Tantra is all about being slow so that you can fully be with and cultivate and hone the energy that's there.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:31

Oh my god, you're reminding me of the past now where it was like recognizing that as I sat with pain, anything I did to essentially distract myself from that pain only amplified it. If I breathed a little bit differently or heavier, boom, the pain comes up. If I moved a little bit, the pain comes up. But the slower I can breathe and the more still I can be, the quicker that pain moves through me.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:55

It's interesting, right?

SPEAKER_02 1:16:56

Mind-blowing.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:57

And it's learned so much from those experiences.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:59

It's echoed through so much. Like don't, yeah, don't rush. The genius is in the slowdown. Yeah. Hey Claire, I could talk to you for years. Thank you for making this time.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:10

Yeah. I should explain the name then, Crystal Claire. I was like, I wonder, is he gonna call me Claire?

SPEAKER_01 1:17:16

Oh my god, I am so bad.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:19

I am so sorry. No sorries.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:21

Tell me more.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:21

Okay, this is this is a good one to finish on. And this is where I'll laugh at myself a little bit because I had like an experience in Bosnia where I was in the pyramids meditating on the top of them actually sleeping there.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:32

As you do.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:32

As you do, just one of the random pretty weird.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:35

It's like, I wonder what Claire is up to. Oh, she's sleeping on top of a pyramid now, right?

SPEAKER_00 1:17:40

And you know, channeling and anchoring down parts of me. And this is when I was really in the awakening phase of my blueprint. And I had this experience where this like elven time queen guide, I'd never met her before, through my third eye, showed up. No medicine, just me and the stars. And she put all of these crystals around me. She called me Crystal Clear, and it was a really strong transmission. I was bawling crying. And then I was afterwards when I calmed down, I was laughing, going, Oh, this is where those spiritual, ungrounded hippies changed their name. Here I am, years later. Oh, I need to change my name. And I recognized it as I started to see my blueprint of Crystal Clear. Like I'm here to help people become crystal clear on who they are. I'm also working with the crystalline DNA. And I had numerous different psychics who didn't know me saying, You're changing your name, you have to change your name. I was like, how did they know I have another name? And yeah, a series of events led me to recognize the owning of it is like owning the blueprint. And it's it's not rejection of the old, it's like an integration of both crystal and clear. So yeah, it was a funny cosmic joke of oh, I'm that person now that I have to explain that I used to judge. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:45

I I actually love that I uh slipped up like that. Yeah, let's say, because it gave the opportunity for you to speak to it, and it's like that's actually important. That was the missing element from this conversation because I I I always do love at the end of a chat, it's like, hey, if anybody wants to reach out, if anybody wants to connect.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:00

And now there's actually much more clarity in terms of who it is, uh how it is that you show up in the world and how you work with others.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:06

Right. And I like clarity. And again, we come back to you can I could change my name from a place of rejection of myself or change it from a place of choosing myself fully.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:14

Evolution, yeah.

Ancestral Patterns And Revealing The Self

SPEAKER_00 1:19:15

Right. And it's like maybe this gives other people permission as well. If they have the same sense of there's a different name or they were given a name or whatever, that you could own it. It's not that you have to change it, but I saw the numerology and the the blueprint of like, oh, if I change it, it it actually shifts your field massively. So yeah, there's like, yeah, maybe there's permission for other people to own that too.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:34

I think there's a hell of a lot of permission to to take from so much of what we shared. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:39

Thank you, Jamie. My pleasure.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:41

Lovely.